the CFM Distinction

Friday, August 27, 2010

Dealing with Difficult People








By Julie Adamen: Julie Adamen is president of Adamen Inc., a consulting and placement firm specializing in the community management industry. Julie can be reached via email at julie@adamen-inc.com or through her website www.adamen-inc.com.

Few new community managers walking in on their first day have the slightest inkling what is in store for them unless they have extensive customer-service experience. Without scaring everyone too much let me say in no uncertain terms that some of the people with whom you will deal will be very difficult. Why is that? Largely it is because of three things:

  • We deal in situations that affect people’s living arrangements, making even the smallest of issues seem very, very personal to the resident.
  • People find community associations a perfect place to enact personal agendas.
  • There are no repercussions for bad behavior.

Dealing with Difficult People (or, how to deal with the real heat in the kitchen)
When dealing with a problematic person, you must remain detached from the emotion of the moment by realizing that 1)Though the complainant appears to be upset with you, usually they are not: they are frustrated with the situation, and 2) Know that your response can either exacerbate or diffuse the problem, and 3) Know that you can't control the person, you can only control your reaction.

If you remember these simple truths, you will be able to stay detached. Once this is accomplished, you'll be able to respond to the problem, and not the attitude.

Let's get started
For the most part you will encounter most of your "problem children" on the telephone. There is a very basic structure of response to that person on your part that will get you through 99% of those (often heated and angry) complaints (they work with in-person complaints as well). They are:
Listen, empathize, focus, and solve the problem

Listen and take notes. As the individual is detailing his complaint, demonstrate that you are listening by repeating portions of what you have heard: “As I understand you, Mr. Smith’s dog barked last night between the hours of 2am and 6am – is that right?” Listen and take notes only. Why? Because you will need those notes for a service order or for the file, and it keeps you from multi-tasking (see below



Empathize. Intermittently offer reassuring words such as, “I see,” and, “I understand,” to show that you grasp their unhappiness with the situation and are listening. As long as the complainant sees you are listening and empathizing, the emotion will tend to diffuse.



Focus. Once it is established you are listening, you will be able to focus the conversation from an emotion-laden complaint to a positive course of action by you, on their behalf.



Solve the problem. “I’ll be sending Mr. Smith a letter asking him to comply with our rules. If the situation continues, please contact me again and we’ll take the next step.”

A VERY BIG word to the wise! When speaking with a complaining or angry person on the phone, absolutely do NOT multi-task; i.e., don’t check emails, texts or surf the net. Listen to the person talking and give them your full attention. Not only is it is rude (yes, it is), it is obvious to the person talking to you that you are not giving them your full attention, making them more frustrated or angry. I cannot emphasize this enough: Step away from the Blackberry!

More methods for dealing with the polite-challenged

Resist the urge to immediate response. As soon as someone is "in your face," it's human nature to want to respond instantly with your knowledge of the situation. Unfortunately, this will almost always come off as defensive; so, take a deep breath and let the person vent. Then, respond.


Guide, don't teach. "Guiding" someone indicates that person is intelligent about what they are reporting, but maybe not about the process of getting that something resolved. "Teaching" someone indicates they are ignorant. A "teacher" mindset is a sure way to get yourself crosswise with owners or Board members, as comes across as paternalistic and/or patronizing.

Apologize for the event, or their perception thereof. When dealing with an angry person, it's okay to apologize for the event. This keeps you personally out of the blame game loop, but allows you to take responsibility for handling the problem. "I'm sorry this happened to you," does not admit guilt on your part. And it makes them feel better.


Don’t expect them to apologize for anything. Get over it right now: They could have been the biggest jerk in the world, but chances are slim they will apologize to you, even if they were dead wrong, or especially if they were dead wrong. Apologizing will be way too embarrassing for your difficult person. Move along with your work day, and own this truth.

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